At the moment I’ve got really mixed feelings about Push Hands. I find it really interesting and challenging, but right now I hate it. I know it’s an important part of fully learning and experiencing Tai Chi but right now it’s so frustrating that I find myself less than enthused Monday nights at kung fu, because I know I’m in for a half hour of frustration and feeling inept. Push Hands is one of those very “intuitive” things that I occasionally find very hard to learn. I find myself thinking too much about what to do next (the strategy aspect is what I find most interesting-where are your opponent’s weak spots, and how can you counter their next offensive move?)
One of the benefits of Push Hands is that it shows you the weaknesses in your own form, as well as developing the “listening energy” to sense your opponent’s moves and intentions. Right now, I’m a regular smorgasbord of weaknesses and gaps in my form. My stances have improved somewhat, but that’s about it.
I freely admit making one of those mistakes we all find it hard to stop ourselves from – comparing myself to others in the class, and feeling frustrated that I’m not doing as well as those around me. You know your confidence will be challenged by learning something new and unfamiliar, but after you’ve been at it a while you can also start getting down on yourself about what you think you “should” know or be able to do. This is a dangerous time when learning any new activity, because it’s easy to get discouraged at this point.
With all this running through my mind, I wasn’t able to sense much of anything, and I certainly wasn’t emotionally detached. Monday’s class was really full, so we worked with a lot of different people, each for a pretty short time. One of the better parts of the class was it provided a good stance challenge-I had to get down really low when I was playing with some of the kids. (Normally we’re paired off with someone who’s close to our height and weight). The rest of it was a fog of frustration and feeling inept.
After class, I went out back to practice my Tai Chi forms. I have come to think of this time as my “reward” for enduring the Push Hands class (That mindset really needs to change, but for now, that is where I am about it mentally and emotionally). It’s not that my forms are perfect, but I do feel more confident about it than I do about Push Hands, and there is something about solitary practice and going over things in detail that I really enjoy. I left school that night feeling a bit like I had wasted the evening. The only value I could see at the time was that I’d gotten out of the house and gone to school-I’d been consistent with my training, if nothing else. Over the next few days, I reflected on it more, and I came to realize I was wrong. Several important lessons came out of what I’d initially thought of as wasted time:
- If you’re putting forth sincere effort, you will always get something back. Maybe you won’t see the big improvement in your form, etc., but there is always something. Is your endurance and leg strength better? Is there an improvement in even the smallest aspect of your form?
- When in doubt, or feeling like you aren’t focused, go back to the basics. I closed out my solo practice with some basic stance training, and a little time just practicing the Push Hands circling motion. Practicing fundamentals is never a step backwards.
- On reflection, you’ll typically find that you didn’t do as badly as you thought. There’s a pretty good chance you did something right, especially if you’re putting out some honest effort.
- Do what you need to in order to calm yourself down. Going out back and keeping to myself for a while was really helpful. I was able to get back on an even keel emotionally, after feeling like I was “upside down” during class.
So, what is in store for next Monday? No big changes in the short term, but I’ve asked for some Push Hands help in my private lessons. I still have two “extra” lessons that I won in the January contest, and I’ve already talked with my instructor about dedicating them to Push Hands basics.
There are always “lessons” and learning experiences available – sometimes you just have to look a little harder for them.
Epilogue-
The following week's class was much better; I got some compliments on my improvement from a senior student who is quite good at Push Hands. This past Saturday, I noticed that one of my friends at school had devised a very clever form of solo practice. I had been practicing the circling motion as part of my stance training-she took it to the next level by basically doing the same thing with the heavy bag. By starting it in motion, the bag gained its own energy in a way, and my friend was keeping contact with it and circling, just as you'd do with a Push Hands partner. By closing her eyes, she was practicing "listening energy", sensing the bag's movement and direction with no visual clues. I will definitely have to try that!!!
